I wasn’t going to post this because I don’t want to get too political. But then I remembered I already posted Batman in the Age of Trump, so why not?
Please enjoy: Congressional Republicans, a One Act Play
Open on a News Anchor giving a live report
News Anchor: “Good Evening, we have breaking news at this hour. President Trump has made good on his 2016 campaign promise and shot someone on Fifth Avenue in broad daylight. We go now to Republican leaders on the Hill for their reaction.”
Paul Ryan Stands at Podium mid press conference
Paul Ryan: “Look, I’ve said it before, ‘he’s new to this’ He doesn’t know any better!”
Reporter: “Congressman, you honestly believe President Trump has done nothing wrong here?”
Paul Ryan: “Let me ask you a question. When a toddler finds a gun and accidentally shoots someone, do you blame the toddler? Of course not. How is the President supposed to know that shooting someone is wrong?”
Paul Ryan takes out a head shot of Trump
Paul Ryan: “I mean look at that face! He’s just a little scamp. He doesn’t know what he’s doing! Firing FBI directors to impede investigations, lying about wiretapping, shooting people. He’s just getting into another one of his hijinks.”
Ryan looking at the picture, a big proud smile on his face. He starts talking to the picture in a baby voice.
Paul Ryan: “Who’s too adorable to impeach? You are! You are! Yes, you do have a good brain, awww, such a good brain!”
Reporters catch up to Senator James Lankford as he’s leaving the steps of the capitol building
Reporter: “Senator do you have any comment on President Trump’s recent shooting?”
Senator Lankford brushes the reporter off, dismissive
Lankford: “He was a using a light touch, he barely shot anyone.”
Reporter: “Senator some are calling this attempted murder.”
Senator Lankford stops and looks reporter dead in the eye.
Lankford: “Murder? I hear the victim-er target, might survive, that’s not murder in my book.”
Lankford: “The facts are plain. President Trump pulled the trigger of a firearm. If the bullet then decided to bury itself in someone’s spine that’s the bullet’s business and can hardly be blamed on the President. Besides Who knows? Maybe the guy had it coming?”
John McCain standing in the capitol building facing a news crew
Reporter: “Senator you have been critical of the President in the past, how do you react to his recent alleged shooting?”
McCain: “I find it deeply rubber ducky pencil sharpener big mac.”
Reporter: “…excuse me Senator?”
John McCain looking flush
McCain: “Sorry, I was up late watching a raceball game, laceball game, damn it! Maceball game, er-dementia?”
Back to the News Anchor
News Anchor: “We have breaking news, reports are in that Mr. Schumer, the President’s alleged victim, will survive his gunshot wounds. Now–”
News Anchor listening to his in earpiece.
News Anchor: “Excuse me, apparently, yes, I’m being told there is already a tweet by the President reacting to this news.”
Trump Tweet appears on the screen next to the News Anchor.
News Anchor reading tweet: “Despite so many false statements and lies, total and complete vindication! Did not commit the legal definition of murder! Trump 2024!”